Always Wear Black

Continued….

At the beginning of 2006 I had received a promotion and had a new set of resonsibilities. I was traveling a little to do audits throughout the company and was enjoying my job. Except for having to work for him. In March of 2006 we got a new VP over our department. Our first female boss. She immediately liked the job I did. This was refreshing since the past four and a half years my work was ripped to shreds, along with my self-esteem. 

She kept giving me more responsibilities and I really enjoyed working for her. Of course, he tried to burn me every chance he got but she knew his games and deep down she couldn’t stand him either, but tolerated him because he was over me. She negotiated me a nice bonus for the year and I was over-joyed she had joined our group. In the past, he had made sure my bonuses were never over $500.

In June she offered me a another promotion and a relocation package to move to the corporate office. I jumped on it because I wanted AWAY from him. At all cost.

I accepted it. The salary was magnificent and the job was going to be nice. I found an apartment, signed the lease and was set to move.

The only thing missing in this equation? My mind. I was SO enthralled at the idea of getting away from him that I jumped without thinking everything through. Was I ready to move? Was I ready to leave my family and comfort zone?

As they say – hindsight…….

I moved and became distraught. Everything was overwhelming. From the new apartment (silent, cold, lonely and just NOT home) to the huge building I worked in (my office was on the 25th floor overlooking the galleria (nice, but not as cool as one would expect), to the traffic (brutal, hellacious, nerve-racking – exactly how everyone describes it – except when you live there it seems to be worse), to the people (arrogant, hostile, weird and not a damn one is down-to-earth). And the job. Oh. My. Goodness. The JOB. I arrived every day early and left at 8 o’clock almost every night. It never ended.

Bottom line – it wasn’t worth it. Nothing outweighed the way I felt.

I cracked. I couldn’t take it anymore.

I called my boss one night at 9pm and told him that it wasn’t working out – I missed my family, I missed my home, I hated the new job and I was giving him my notice. My second call was to my older brother who was on the elipitical at the gym. He listened carefully as I told him why I was unhappy and told me to give him the word and he would move me back. My two brothers and dad moved me back that weekend, I got my old apartment back and was so upset about how bad the past five years had made me feel that I stayed with my parents instead of going to my own apartment.

It’s been a few days and I’m still living at my parents. I do not regret my decision. I do not regret giving up the job, money, bonuses, career path, ect… What I do regret giving up is my self-esteem, self-worth, and life for the past five years. I regret when I cancelled plans with my nieces that one Friday because I had a huge report due Monday and stayed home working away on my laptop all weekend. I regret when I went out for my grandpa’s 88th birthday party and paid attention to the emails on my Blackberry instead of the festivities going on around me. I regret the time I let the job get to me so bad that I went to my doctor and he put me on anxiety medication to cope. I regret that I let myself get involved with a coworker who was older than me, more experienced than me, and was climbing his way up the corporate ladder. I regret letting him influence my life. I knew better. I regret not quitting – but there was so much wrapped up in the situation. As the years went on, I tried to hang on. I kept hope alive that one day it would get better. I kept beating my head against the brick wall wanting to make it right. But my biggest regret is letting them motivate me with money because, as it turns out, money IS the root of all evil.

I will eventually get another job and move on with life. Right now I’m bitter, hurt, and exhausted. Life goes on….

Shame on you, if you fool me once
Shame on me if you fool me twice
You’ve been a pretty hard case to crack
Should’ve known better but I didn’t
And I can’t go back

Oh life goes on
And it’s only gonna make me strong
It’s a fact, once you get on board
Say good-bye cause you can’t go back
Oh it’s a fight, and I really wanna get it right
Where I’m at, is my life before me
And this feelin’ that I can go back